Held my breath as the last wave pulled me under, under
What doesn’t kill you makes you so much stronger, stronger
Can you feel this pain
Rushing through these veins
Driving me insane
But I won’t break
So here we are again, back in the land of depression and anxiety. We’re only two weeks into 2017 and I didn’t expect to be back so soon. The first week was so full of anxiety because unfortunately for the first time in I don’t know how long I had flashbacks of my rape from 13 years ago. I returned to work the following morning and had a good day thankfully. That night I had a nightmare and as I came round I felt someone touching my leg which would freak me out even if I was wide awake and then I was trapped in sleep paralysis for a few moments. So that all caused a massive anxiety attack too. On the Wednesday night I made an Instagram post using a combination of ‘End the Stigma’ “badges”. I even shared it on Facebook & Twitter. Almost immediately my Mum texted me telling me I should seriously consider removing it because I work with children. It’s attitudes like that make this even more important to end the stigma. I have always been honest and open about my mental health. What my Mum fails to realise that my colleagues are aware. Well two/three definitely know I have depression and anxiety. I don’t know what/how much the others know but they have always shown me nothing but love and support. I know she’s only looking out for me but it’s fine. Although I do get scared that the SLT will find out as I didn’t technically declare it. Only because I don’t want people thinking I can’t work with children when I’m unwell because unless I tell you, it’s usually not obvious whatsoever that I’m suffering. So that caused further anxiety. Come Thursday am I must have been looking shocking because even C kept asking me what was wrong and wouldn’t take ‘I’m ok’ for an answer. It dawned on me the first time she asked what was wrong. I felt a huge wave come over me that had anxiety and tears if I opened up. So I kept the floodgates shut. I even tried to open it but failed later on that morning. Probably for the best. Friday was an alright day although had a stressful morning at work and then had counselling for the firs time in 3 weeks because of the Christmas/New Year break. So had to fill her in on my difficult Christmas and then the week I had. Plus I was still really wanting to open up about the rape. The flashback gave me that opportunity so I did. We didn’t discuss the details on this occasion but I was glad to finally say the word as I’d been building to it for weeks.
I gave myself the weekend to recover and was determined that despite my anxiety about returning to Nursery to have a good week. Heck it even worked as the first three days went well and were okay/good even. Fast forward to Thursday and I should have expected a tough day but didn’t. Kids were going crazy as they often do & one was their rude self. I let G handle it after talking to the child and their refusal to come inside. She was amazing as per and called them out on their behaviour infront of everyone. Reminding them all that I have to be listened to just as much as her or C. Really meant a lot to me. Took the children to lunch and got to speak to S & K which was lovely. I feel guilty as it wasn’t the best of timings but hey. It was lovely as me and S had a lovely chat the previous evening. Well lovely wasn’t the word but I felt like I helped and it perhaps brought us closer a bit more. Then I was so worked up and headed back to the class for a meeting we were meant to be having. Initally C wasn’t there so we couldn’t and everyone (except me) was talking. Although I did say to G that I appreciated what she’d done before lunch but didn’t know if she heard me. Then C came to have our meeting and it was overwhelming for me (and for everybody else). Nobody was happy and then she had to pop off. G said a few things that made me feel awful. It wasn’t her intention whatsoever and it wasn’t an attack on me either. Then she went off too and so I started telling K my worries about something that had been happening at work when I’ve been outside. Then C told me to go home when it looked like C wasn’t coming back. I remember saying something about going to see E about that worry. C obviously asked why and I broke down crying. So of course C and K were so lovely as always and wanted to know what was wrong. So I told them especially as C thought it was what had happened earlier. They were both so calm about it and telling me what we could do to resolve the situation.
Then C came back so K told her I was upset because I was overwhelmed and asked if I wanted to say why or for her to do it. I asked her to do it as I didn’t think I could do it without crying again. She was wonderful and certainly knows how to speak up when something isn’t right. C told me what would be happening from now on, which she hadn’t told me about beforehand. I wish she had but hey we’re all human and make mistakes. Plus it’s so hard to actually get any time to talk to one another. Hopefully things will be better again. I hope so, I love my job. I love the kids and I love the colleagues I work with. Heck I’m even learning to love Nursery again. Hate it being the cause of my anxiety or sadness. It’s my safe place, especially at the moment. I forgot to say C held my hand for ages too and I needed that so much. I only let go because I desperately needed tissues to mop myself up lol. She’s beyond amazing and I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I went home after that as it was already the end of lunch opps.
I obviously wasn’t very happy for the rest of the afternoon and did something I should regret but I really don’t. Nobody knows except one person at the moment. Although I shouldn’t really type it into this blog post either, as I imagine it’ll be quite obvious for some people. But I went out in the evening with M for a meal and a catch up. Was just amazing and really cheered me back up. Although when I got home I could feel the darkness creeping back in. But just hoped going to sleep would make it go away. Got to work on Friday morning and had been okay but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just felt like crying again and so vulnerable(?) C noticed as I knew she would because she asked me to help her and asked if I was okay after Thursday. Then gave me a hug as I said no (immediately said yes to begin with) and couldn’t tell her why. So she asked if I was because I didn’t feel myself so I said yes. I didn’t really know why and that seemed like a good reason. So then she told me she was really worried about me. Or that might have been a little bit later. Opps. I feel so guilty even though realistically I know I don’t need to. Just hope she’s not worried over the weekend I know what it’s like to really worry for hours and even days on end. It’s exhausting and upsetting. I spent the rest of the day wanting to cry but couldn’t. I even snuck out of work so I didn’t have to say goodbye.
Thankfully today (well yesterday) I woke up in a better place and had a wonderful afternoon with two of my sisters, my brother, nephew, aunty and obviously my Mum. It felt so good and I had hope again. Of course as ever with depression, it came over me like a wave again after everyone had gone and we were home. Ugh. It could be worse, so much worse. But I feel like I’m fighting against the waves. I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to be strong and everything that everyone wants me to be.
A mental health page posted this earlier today and it hurt so much to relate so bad right now. I considered sharing it to my wall but I haven’t as of yet….