I’m back with a new blog…

Hello everyone, if anyone is still following! Welcome to my new followers which now descend on this blog. A lot has changed since I last wrote a post, I no longer live in the West Midlands, I haven’t worked since 2018, I have a visual impairment and now own my first guide dog. It was suggested to me that I should start a blog on a Guide Dogs & naturally include my own journey with Kelly! I’m really excited to do this…

H x

Maybe now I can cry..

A note before you begin; this could be potentially be triggering for anyone sufferers of sexual abuse. I wouldn’t usually do a trigger warning for various reasons but it feels appropriate to do so. 

Hi everyone

Where do I begin? It is emotionally painful trying to write this which I didn’t expect considering that I am trying to get back on my feet..

Basically I haven’t been right since I came back from my first holiday away with family (I’ll write a separate blog for that) and it’s already been over a month. Wow. Who knew? I didn’t expect this but when do I ever expect a crash like this one? *sigh*

It all started when I had my smear appointment on 27th February. Well it actually started a few hours before that but I just didn’t think it’d go the way it did. We had a meeting at work that left me feeling very overwhelmed. One of my colleagues K pulled me over before I left to ask me if I was okay and I told her about how the meeting made me feel and about my smear that afternoon. She was so lovely, kind and non-judgmental. Supported me the way she could without knowing why a smear would be so distressing for me. Although had I told her, I know she would totally understand. Well to an extent maybe, but more than most.

I was determined to be brave and get it done this time. I even sought advice from a Facebook group that I’m in and Holly even went live for me to give her response to it. I sat in the waiting room and I wanted to run away. I didn’t because I knew I had to face this head on. I went in the room and we spoke for a couple of minutes. Got changed and onto the bed and the anxiety went full force. I told her I didn’t I could do it but took a deep breath and tried anyway. Put it in and it hurt, took another deep breath and let her move it a bit more. But completely freaked out after and stopped. I hate myself, I probably could have done it had we kept going. I don’t know. Is it worth it? I cried as I got dressed. She was so lovely about it and had been throughout the whole thing. We discussed how high my risk actually is and despite past traumatic events, it’s still very low. So she said I could either leave it and obviously take the risk of having cancer but them not knowing. Or she discussed getting me medication to relax me and my body to have it done. But there was absolutely no pressure either way.

Walked out of there feeling so low and the horrible thoughts of how if I can’t do that, how can I ever have penetrative sex? How can I ever get pregnant and all the internal tests? How can I ever have an actual baby at the end? I felt awful and wondered what was the point of my life. All I want is to have a loving relationship and one day my own children. I know I can foster or adopt. But I selfishly want to be pregnant. Want to know I can do it, especially after my miscarriage nearly 13 years ago.

The following day I returned to work with a migraine and a very low and anxious mood. However my fellow teaching assistant colleagues looked after me amazingly. Well actually K was off, so really it was just C to look after me all morning. Which she did and knew about my test. Not sure how. I told her the previous morning I was having a test that I really didn’t want to. So she either worked it out from that or K told her. Funnily enough at lunch when C came back, asked how I was and both me & C both said “don’t ask”. Love it! Later that day I went back to work as we were having a space party. Went in early to go help but couldn’t do much. Felt guilty and shit, was about as useful as chocolate teapot. Couldn’t do simple things and wasn’t even allowed to get up on a table which is probably a good thing anyway. We had fun at the party though and kids loved it so much!

Then next day was 1st March. Always a potentially difficult date because of the first rape anniversary being then. Went to work and felt like the loving support was all gone. I doubt that it was but it felt like that. I hate to say it. I nearly cried whilst setting up that morning because I couldn’t find something I needed. Had to go to the toilet to try take deep breaths to not cry. I could have cried but I don’t think I would have stopped and it would have raised awkward questions. Like why am I crying so much over a missing piece of paper. It wasn’t just that, but that would have been what triggered it off. I felt really alone. I don’t remember the rest of that day or the next one. I know I got to the Friday and was glad because I could go counselling. J was amazing as always and told her about that week.

Moving onto the new week which contained my birthday! Actually I have to say I had a WONDERFUL birthday, particularly at work thanks to my colleagues. They made me feel so loved and special, as did the children of course. The day before my birthday was a really busy one. I had work, an opticians appointment which found I needed new glasses & prescription, a dentist appointment where my teeth were great although he raised my need for a crown again. Then I went to my other work where I was horrifically late because of a train being cancelled and the next one was delayed. Not my fault I know but I wasn’t impressed. I didn’t enjoy it much and just pretended to be super excited about my birthday at the end lol. I can’t remember the day after my birthday weirdly lol. Then on the 9th I went to work feeling anxious and for the first time I stopped as I got to the last corner. I froze with fear and I wanted to run away and never stop. It took my every fibre not to do it and get inside. I could have honestly cried walking down my area and saw S. She asked me if I was ok, which I said I was. She asked me if I was sure and I still said yes. I suspect she didn’t believe me and gave me a big hug. I got through the morning and pretty much told my colleagues about my tattoo that I was having done that afternoon lol. Almost everyone was really excited for me! I managed to do it and almost passed out but didn’t. I love it so much! S happened to comment on my picture of it so I thanked her and told her how much I needed that hug. Then we had a chat and I told her what had happened that morning and she was just amazing about it. I knew she would be. Including meeting me at work the next morning and saying if it happened again I could text and she’d meet me. Unfortunately that day my counselling appointment got cancelled and I was gutted but I know people can’t help being unwell.

Fast forward to the next Monday (14th) I woke up feeling a bit hopeful and even said so when I walked into work, however a few hours later I came crashing back down and made a fb post about it. G put a cry reaction on it and M commented it sending me hugs, both meant the world to me. Especially as the next day I walked in & C asked me where my smile was. Told her I didn’t have one and then I spoke to G as she was in the classroom rather than planning. Really amazing chat and I felt so supported.  Talked to C too when she came back. Both told me to go to the doctors and I took their advice which is a HUGE deal for me. Wasn’t a helpful appointment at all. She got obsessed with talking about my smear appointment, what she thought I should/shouldn’t do regarding it, my counselling and a few questions about previous destructive behaviors. Then told me to come back in two weeks and then she would consider medication. Not what I was expecting to happen. Should have kicked a fuss like G told me to. I just don’t have it in me.  On the Wednesday I spoke to S about how bad I was still feeling, about the doctors appointment and then she persuaded me to tell my Mum what was going on. Took a lot of encouragement but I did eventually. I really didn’t want to though.

Then on 16th it was G’s birthday and I put my mh to one side and really enjoyed celebrating it with her at work and for lunch out afterwards. Although I was stressing the whole time because I needed to see S. When we spoke the week before she wanted to tell someone else on SLT about what was going on and it was causing me anxiety. Anyway I found her after lunch and turns out she hadn’t been able to. So we went to find E but she was in a meeting, J couldn’t help as she had to be somewhere, so we went to speak to J who is lovely. Talked a bit before going to see how long E would be, which turned out to be quite the while. So in the end it had to be C and I was scared. I won’t lie.

But I needn’t worried because although she had to be professional when we’re usually quite chatty, sometimes jokey, she was amazing about it all. Told her the truth about my counselling (she thought it was for my mh, not the abuse) although she doesn’t actually know why I go now. I was going to be honest but she told me she didn’t need to know. Got referred to occupational health and she’s already made some changes which have been interesting. Reduced my work related anxiety a lot but caused some itself ha. We’ll get there with it. It’s slowly working out. I have an appointment with them during the Easter holidays. Me & C had a meeting that morning which was really good. Would have been longer as I got to work really early but realised I didn’t have my hearing aids, so had to walk fast all the way home and then walk fast all the way back. The counselling appointment was super difficult the day afterwards, well once I caught her up on everything. I wanted to cry the equivalent of Niagara Falls of tears but didn’t. You could feel the emotional pain and distress. Still couldn’t open up about the rape either even though I had expected to. My counsellor really didn’t want to be off the next week because of me, which I felt guilty about. But cared…

I can’t really remember last week which I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. I do know that I almost had a self harm relapse but stopped myself at the last second. I know I went to my arts award ceremony on the Monday (plus an appointment), out for lunch with my Dad & J on the Tuesday and out for pizza with H on the Wednesday). I do remember a conversation that I had with my best friend however who hasn’t been there. She still wasn’t that moment in the time, so I’m pretty upset with her. I had expected her to ask why I was experiencing all the things I was. But nope. I know I have stopped having nightmares and terrible insomnia. Whereby I was either falling asleep early and waking in the night for 45 minutes. Or I was wide awake til the small hours. I know I didn’t have counselling again on Friday due to holiday time booked. So I went to see Beauty & the Beast instead by myself.  I know that I didn’t feel so intense with the depression and anxiety with the exception of the Friday.

This week has been a better one and I haven’t really felt low, but not okay or happy. I have also felt anxious due to various things. There have been evenings where I’ve felt sad and I have continued to feel oh so lonely at night times. I think it’s because I’ve been busy/napping in the afternoons after work so haven’t had chance to experience it then. I have been talking to friends but conversations end mid way or  they haven’t responded. I don’t know what to do about it. I had to go to the doctors on Monday as the back of my left ear started swelling and it was hurting me. Turns out I have a double ear infection again, so not impressed. Then I should have been returning to the doctors for that follow up appointment yesterday (29th) only for it to be cancelled because she wasn’t there?! I now have to wait another week and going on the Tuesday instead. Thankfully this means H can come after all as she was able to ask her manager. So there’s a tiny positive. I’m worried about going because I am starting to get onto my feet. But I’m still not happy and I think I want to try medication this time round and any other help I can get to be honest. I just don’t want people to get fed up of being supportive etc 😦

Whilst this has all been going on…I got my new hearing aids on Friday 3rd March. However after just a few hours in them, I couldn’t cope because the left one was too quiet. I had said that in the appointment but didn’t feel believed much. I rang them the following day and got an appointment the following Saturday. It was the same woman and she tried another one of my model which didn’t work. Then a different model and got very little sound out of it. So she arranged me for me to come back on Mon 20th which I did. I had to have my hearing re-tested and it was confirmed that my left hearing has deteriorated somewhat. I have to ask why this wasn’t picked up when my hearing was tested in February?! He made me put my new hearing aids in and then kept turning the left one up til I told him it was almost balanced with the right. Which concerned him as it was a huge change in prescription. Then he couldn’t decide what to do other than to speak to my doctors and the director. I went back yesterday (29th) and turned out it just needed a re-program which is a joke. So I am now finally getting used to my new aids. Taking a while but I’ll get there and soon I won’t even notice that it sounds all strange. It’ll just be normal again. It’s bit like having new glasses to adjust to. It’s something I massively struggle with and did as a child. The first two/three days are the worst. Plus it’s been over four years since I had to go through this so that doesn’t help probably. I’ll get there.

Also yesterday (29th) came the news that the creator of the semi colon project (which gave me the idea of my tattoo) had died by suicide. It’s really affected me, more than I care to admit. Mainly because of what I’m going through right now and I have struggled with hope. Hmm..

So yes that was a very long update and I have probably forgotten stuff I wanted to discuss knowing me. But I’ll shh for now. I just hope this episode ends soon.

It’s so dark with glimpses of sunshine..

Held my breath as the last wave pulled me under, under
What doesn’t kill you makes you so much stronger, stronger
Can you feel this pain
Rushing through these veins
Driving me insane
But I won’t break

So here we are again, back in the land of depression and anxiety. We’re only two weeks into 2017 and I didn’t expect to be back so soon. The first week was so full of anxiety because unfortunately for the first time in I don’t know how long I had flashbacks of my rape from 13 years ago. I returned to work the following morning and had a good day thankfully. That night I had a nightmare and as I came round I felt someone touching my leg which would freak me out even if I was wide awake and then I was trapped in sleep paralysis for a few moments. So that all caused a massive anxiety attack too. On the Wednesday night I made an Instagram post using a combination of ‘End the Stigma’ “badges”. I even shared it on Facebook & Twitter. Almost immediately my Mum texted me telling me I should seriously consider removing it because I work with children. It’s attitudes like that make this even more important to end the stigma. I have always been honest and open about my mental health. What my Mum fails to realise that my colleagues are aware. Well two/three definitely know I have depression and anxiety. I don’t know what/how much the others know but they have always shown me nothing but love and support. I know she’s only looking out for me but it’s fine. Although I do get scared that the SLT will find out as I didn’t technically declare it. Only because I don’t want people thinking I can’t work with children when I’m unwell because unless I tell you, it’s usually not obvious whatsoever that I’m suffering. So that caused further anxiety. Come Thursday am I must have been looking shocking because even C kept asking me what was wrong and wouldn’t take ‘I’m ok’ for an answer. It dawned on me the first time she asked what was wrong. I felt a huge wave come over me that had anxiety and tears if I opened up. So I kept the floodgates shut. I even tried to open it but failed later on that morning. Probably for the best. Friday was an alright day although had a stressful morning at work and then had counselling for the firs time in 3 weeks because of the Christmas/New Year break. So had to fill her in on my difficult Christmas and then the week I had. Plus I was still really wanting to open up about the rape. The flashback gave me that opportunity so I did. We didn’t discuss the details on this occasion but I was glad to finally say the word as I’d been building to it for weeks.

I gave myself the weekend to recover and was determined that despite my anxiety about returning to Nursery to have a good week. Heck it even worked as the first three days went well and were okay/good even. Fast forward to Thursday and I should have expected a tough day but didn’t. Kids were going crazy as they often do & one was their rude self. I let G handle it after talking to the child and their refusal to come inside. She was amazing as per and called them out on their behaviour infront of everyone. Reminding them all that I have to be listened to just as much as her or C. Really meant a lot to me. Took the children to lunch and got to speak to S & K which was lovely. I feel guilty as it wasn’t the best of timings but hey. It was lovely as me and S had a lovely chat the previous evening. Well lovely wasn’t the word but I felt like I helped and it perhaps brought us closer a bit more. Then I was so worked up and headed back to the class for a meeting we were meant to be having. Initally C wasn’t there so we couldn’t and everyone (except me) was talking. Although I did say to G that I appreciated what she’d done before lunch but didn’t know if she heard me. Then C came to have our meeting and it was overwhelming for me (and for everybody else). Nobody was happy and then she had to pop off. G said a few things that made me feel awful. It wasn’t her intention whatsoever and it wasn’t an attack on me either. Then she went off too and so I started telling K my worries about something that had been happening at work when I’ve been outside. Then C told me to go home when it looked like C wasn’t coming back. I remember saying something about going to see E about that worry. C obviously asked why and I broke down crying. So of course C and K were so lovely as always and wanted to know what was wrong. So I told them especially as C thought it was what had happened earlier. They were both so calm about it and telling me what we could do to resolve the situation.

Then C came back so K told her I was upset because I was overwhelmed and asked if I wanted to say why or for her to do it. I asked her to do it as I didn’t think I could do it without crying again. She was wonderful and certainly knows how to speak up when something isn’t right. C told me what would be happening from now on, which she hadn’t told me about beforehand. I wish she had but hey we’re all human and make mistakes. Plus it’s so hard to actually get any time to talk to  one another. Hopefully things will be better again. I hope so, I love my job. I love the kids and I love the colleagues I work with. Heck I’m even learning to love Nursery again. Hate it being the cause of my anxiety or sadness. It’s my safe place, especially at the moment. I forgot to say C held my hand for ages too and I needed that so much. I only let go because I desperately needed tissues to mop myself up lol. She’s beyond amazing and I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I went home after that as it was already the end of lunch opps.

I obviously wasn’t very happy for the rest of the afternoon and did something I should regret but I really don’t. Nobody knows except one person at the moment. Although I shouldn’t really type it into this blog post either, as I imagine it’ll be quite obvious for some people. But I went out in the evening with M for a meal and a catch up. Was just amazing and really cheered me back up. Although when I got home I could feel the darkness creeping back in. But just hoped going to sleep would make it go away. Got to work on Friday morning and had been okay but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just felt like crying again and so vulnerable(?) C noticed as I knew she would because she asked me to help her and asked if I was okay after Thursday. Then gave me a hug as I said no (immediately said yes to begin with) and couldn’t tell her why. So she asked if I was because I didn’t feel myself so I said yes. I didn’t really know why and that seemed like a good reason. So then she told me she was really worried about me. Or that might have been a little bit later. Opps. I feel so guilty even though realistically I know I don’t need to. Just hope she’s not worried over the weekend I know what it’s like to really worry for hours and even days on end. It’s exhausting and upsetting. I spent the rest of the day wanting to cry but couldn’t. I even snuck out of work so I didn’t have to say goodbye.

Thankfully today (well yesterday) I woke up in a better place and had a wonderful afternoon with two of my sisters, my brother, nephew, aunty and obviously my Mum. It felt so good and I had hope again. Of course as ever with depression, it came over me like a wave again after everyone had gone and we were home. Ugh. It could be worse, so much worse. But I feel like I’m fighting against the waves. I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to be strong and everything that everyone wants me to be.

A mental health page posted this earlier today and it hurt so much to relate so bad right now. I considered sharing it to my wall but I haven’t as of yet….

When someone asks me,

“What is wrong?”

I simply reply with,

“I’m just tired”

And they agree;

they say to take a nap

 

But you see,

this exhaustion,

it is not something simply

resolved by sleeping.

I cannot simply shut my eyes

and wake up okay.

 

I need a break from

my brain,

my heart,

my life.

I need to go away

for just a little while. 

Goodbye to 2016 (tomorrow)

So here we are, just 25 hours and 6 minutes of 2016 remains as I begin to write this. Where has this year gone? Like seriously. I say this every year but they just keep going by really fast. Usually I like to reflect on all the awesome things that have happened and I have achieved that year. But this year feels different, really different.

I think it’s because this year I have battled so much harder with my depression and anxirty as I had not one, not two but three peroids of both and countless other days in between of fighting against them. Infact by the time the third one came round I didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. I literally wanted to give up and have it end for good. What was the point of fighting when it’ll only come back and bite my ass once more. As you can tell, I didn’t commit suicide. I somehow survived it once more and still going. Still attempting to challenge my depression, the anxiety, the negative thoughts and everything in between.

I don’t feel like I achieved anything but that’s forgetting I spent the vast majority of my year working on my Gold Arts Award, which probably would have been finished a whole lot sooner had I not been so unwell and unmotivated. It is a pretty awesome achievement I guess. I believe we will get our actual award and ceremony for it in early 2017.

I guess I achieved fighting off my depression and anxiety and stayed alive for another 12 months, it has been really horrendous this time round and I don’t know why this year feels any different to all the other years I’ve done battle with it. I think I have felt more isolated with it at times. Even though I had people to reach out to, they didn’t always listen immediately or at all.

I did manage a very successful first year of my current job working alongside some amazing people who have been supportive of me, especially those who know me best. I am thankful for them and for being made to feel like I contribute something to our team, that they include me and care about me. It’s something I’ve really struggled with and still am to an extent. I’ll get there slowly. This autumn term has been really particularly difficult because of my mental health and then once that seemed to pass I was physically unwell for several weeks which just made me miserable and fed up. Got there in the end though.

I also started counselling with RSVP which has been really good, I think  I’ll feel long term benefits rather than an immediate and short term ones which is fine by me. Can’t wait to get going again after not having any sessions for a couple of weeks because of Christmas & New Year.

Although these are probably not achievements I still want to include two amazing things that DID happen…I got to see Leona on tour yet again which was increadible & go to New York with my Mum for a few days. Hurrah! Oh & I got to see L again and meet her son N on his first birthday ❤

Hopefully 2017 will be better hey? Determined to make it my year but I’m still so scared it will be just as hard as this one was.

One door closes…& another opens?

Well it is that time of year again where Work in Progress & Priority 5 did their annual takeover day with the Library of Birmingham. As per usual it was an AMAZING event and this time we even got to stop over. Although none of us actually got a lot of sleep unsurprisingly. We had a mystery trial (I was a sleeping mummy…), snacks, hotseating and stories before the non-stayers left the building and the library actually closed to the public entirely! SO MUCH FUN xD We had the movie although most of us ‘oldies’ didn’t watch and were chatting instead. We eventually settled down for bed and nobody went to sleep…why would you?! We just stayed up chatting for a while and eventually tried to get some sleep. It took me hours as my cough was triggered by lying on a flat floor (well on cushions, a mat and in a sleeping bag) so I couldn’t stop coughing. Such fun. Eventually nodded off only to keep being disturbed by lights coming on/off hah.

However as it is now over, I’ve been feeling a little deflated again. I always do after getting excited about something like this for weeks (even months) on end, getting it all prepared, experiencing it and then it ends. I know I’ll perk up and find something else to focus on and look forward to. Think the next two big things have to be seeing the Fantastic Beasts and where to find them film & CHRISTMAS!! I’ve slept way too much this weekend so not looking forward to trying to sleep tonight….I came home yesterday morning & slept for FOUR hours before my Mum made me wake up again. Then went to sleep around 1am and slept til 3.25pm when my Mum woke me opps. I had woken quite a few times like 5am (thanks to a heavy rain/wind storm) and several times throughout the morning. I obviously needed a major sleep fest. I’ve not had such a sleepy Sunday in several weeks to be fair which is a good thing. Not to mention I have now been poorly since September solidly. First it was almost two months of depression and anxiety. Then since half term I’ve been physically unwell. First it was a cold, then I found out I had a nasty ear infection in both ears and then for the past week I’ve been cough cough coughing away and it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. Oh what fun!

Anyway the library takeover is the last major event WiP does during the year. We still have P5’s arts award club to finish in just over a week’s time. Then the team are going out yay ^_^ But I do miss being with the gang whilst we quieten down for Christmas & New Year. But it means new and exciting projects to plan for next year including the things we do every year like Arts Award :p

 

Loneliness

As some of you already know I’m having counselling with the Rape and Sexual Violence charity and I’ve now really started opening up and on Friday we discussion a scary situation where I felt so alone I might aswell have been out on the streets. Then I realised that I have experienced loneliness repeatedly.

They say cousins are the first friends you have in childhood. Mine weren’t, because like my siblings, they were a decade or more older than me. I have two siblings who don’t acknowledge my existence. One even has a child who will never know about me.  I was always part of a ‘hearing impaired unit/centre’ at school but we were all different ages and people. I rarely had any friends at school and even when I did, they were never in my sets/groups. Doing agency work I always felt like an outcast, like I was looked down upon despite me working the hardest I could. Educating myself more than most ever would. Now I have my amazing job, I still feel different. It’s not their fault, I know I am part of that team now and have amazing people who care. I felt alone when my siblings had all grown up and moved out even though I knew they loved me. It was like being an only child sometimes. I never fitted in at college. Even when I did it the second time….the majority of my classmates didn’t like me for whatever reason. Those who did never stayed in touch apart from one. She & I are now part of a little group of four. One of them being my best friend. I don’t feel like I belong to them sometimes. I am part of an amazing organisation both in a paid and voluntering sense, but sometimes I feel like I don’t belong. Like I am a big massive fake and shouldn’t be with them. I know I am dearly loved and accepted though.

I have some amazing family & friends in my life now who have stood by me through everything and still sometimes I feel so utterly alone. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do. This is the raw truth. I’m sorry.

 

 

I survived the first half term…

…..GO ME!

It has been the most insanely difficult half term I have ever had. I hate to admit that and believe me I’ve had some difficult terms/half terms over the last six years. But this has to be up there with the hardest like when my Nan died.

I was so looking forward to a new start in September as we were getting a new phase leader, a horrible teacher was being moved out of R, which would mean me & C not having to deal with her ever again. I would know the majority of the children as I had already worked with them since January. It started off okay, I knew I would be setting up the outdoor area each morning and be providing the learning opportunities they needed. Rather than just supervising them, which is how it became towards the end of the last academic year.So I was excited for that. I even got told by my colleague K & I think someone else that I was also actually the outdoor learning coordinator.

All too soon it went wrong though. I felt like I was constantly telling children off for doing the wrong things, including the ones who already knew what was expected of them, staff were unhappy about things, I just felt like I was doing a shit job at everything and not pleasing anybody. It literally became overwhelming and there was never really a chance to speak to C about how I was feeling. Plus during the first week L decided to be her old self.

Then the first time I went back to Nursery felt like an absolute disaster, it was about 5 weeks ago now, almost 6. I immediately had to do an observation, which I felt fine about because I’d done it with the previous nursery class at a later stage in the school year. But I hadn’t thought to get their names before heading outside and in the end I had to ask K to help which was fine. I calmed down and tried to carry on and then she needed some of my children and I was getting confused who was who and whether I’d actually observed under the right name. Wanted to honestly cry. Again she helped and told me not to worry. The rest of the groups I made sure I knew who was who and managed those better. Was horrible though. I have been back since (the following week) but we were outside so it was pretty good.

The following week I was still struggling and was heading out to my other job when I thought I saw my ex who abused me. I have no way of knowing. It literally knocked me sideways and launched a two day anxiety attack. It was awful to deal with. I managed to survive that but I was falling further into the depression and anxiety.

It eventually came to a head & I knew it would. There was a Monday morning and nobody likes a Monday….well this one just went spectacularly wrong but I’m glad it did now. I wasn’t at the time obviously. I ended up crying/having a mini strop at the end of the morning and C was amazing at dealing with it. I knew she would be though because she’s just been so supportive this term and probably recgonised things were wrong before I admitted it to anyone at work. The following day wasn’t much better when I found out I should have been having a meeting that day, it caused me serious amount of anxiety and I just wanted to give up. I even had the room spinning and thought I was going to pass out. Thankfully I didn’t but it was a scary day in all honesty. I didn’t want to go to my other work but I made myself go. On the Wednesday, the teacher I should have had my meeting with was really lovely and made me smile, including about the meeting. We had it on the Thursday and it was the best thing I could have hoped for. I found out I should have never been an outdoor TA, just an extra TA to be outside with the children. So that meant a lot of positive changes for me and means I can only develop as an practitioner.

Thankfully work has been a lot better since and I’m starting to feel good about my role. Although I’m still having wobbly days like yesterday when my mental health was having a difficult day. It was just chaotic at work and I got overwhelmed with it all again because of some children doing the wrong things so lots of telling them off again. But after a conversation with O, I decided to look into Access to Work which led me to Remploy who seem to work alongside them and seem to be more focused on mental health side of things. I just need some long term(?) support with dealing with my mental health is concerned. I feel bad for needing it but hopefully it is the right thing to do.

As you can already see…my mental health hasn’t been good at all. Have really struggled this time round. I do every single time but something feels different about this. I can’t explain it.

Not only all of that, someone I met in June at an event continued their harassment last week which didn’t help matters. The police weren’t any help either really. But the situation may finally be sorted. Fingers crossed anyway. I can’t take much more from that person that’s for sure. They already helped worsen the breakdown I was having at the end of May/beginning of June. Yay fun times!

What else? Oh I am literally about to start counselling with a local Rape and Sexual Violence Project. It has been a long time coming. I have had my initial chat and will be starting the six months of counselling next week. Strangely feel okay about this and ready for it. Still scary though. But I think I really need this to help me in more ways than one. Have a feeling it may not change one thing but I can’t think like that otherwise it won’t even be able to try. Time shall only tell.

So yes…that is me for now. I shall be back….in four months probably haha! Hopefully a lot happier.

 

June 2016

Hi all

I was going to write an update on how I am but I don’t know if I have the strength to. Things aren’t so good right now, infact they haven’t been for a while on/off. This whole year has been triggering my depression on and off. Going through it and my anxiety again. I just want it to go away of course as I always do. But this past week in particular has shown me who I can trust at work and who will support me no matter what. Although I already knew those three people were lovely and kind, they have really gone out of their way since Wednesday to show it me. I cannot ever put it into words how grateful I am, even though I really want to show them that. Part of me wants to shove the mask back on now so they don’t think I’m milking it but now it’s come off, I don’t know how to put it back on for once. Normally I can even though it takes it out of me, but not this time which is interesting. I owe them so much I really do. I knew I was meant to be at that workplace for a reason, now I know it. I also have been told things that I *really* needed to hear about my job. Made me feel so much better and I am determined to cling onto it.

Ironically despite having not self harmed now for 6 years (nearly six and a half!!) or not having taken an overdose for almost SEVEN years….I so very much want to at the moment. I was having them recently but didn’t really understand why. I know today it’s because everything is so overwhelming and I don’t know how to make it through even though I know I will. It’s also because I have to do an appointment soon that I really don’t want to. But I know if I don’t, it’ll be used against me. I also don’t want to do it because I don’t want to deal with any potential consequences that have happened in the past. Which is probably a good thing.

I’ll be alright. I just want this to end already. Safely.

Seeking support

So what happens when you are fighting with your depression and anxiety? Knowing you need support but don’t want everyone to know? Don’t want to seem like an attention seeker but at the same time desperate to cry out for that help?

This is something I struggle with every single time I’m having a bad patch or a breakdown as opposed to a few bad days. Especially as I am very open about my mental health. Yet I find it hard to be truly honest when I’m at my lowest.

In the past I have been very open, too open, telling anyone who would listen, whether they wanted to genuinely know or not. This caused a lot of issues and feeling like I wasn’t being heard and even led certain people to accuse me of being a pathological liar (but that’s a whole another story!) I don’t think I’ve been the opposite and been too closed. Nowadays I am trying to learn the balance and open up  to my closest friends who I know won’t freak out and know how to help me. Easier to do sometimes than others, but I am so appreactive of them. If you’re reading & know this is you, thank you!

Although I am not someone who can talk to their family. I love my family dearly and they mean well but they just don’t understand. One time one member suggested I was anxious because I had been indoors all day. Erm…anxiety doesn’t work like that and often can prevent me from venturing outdoors. There is one who does understand but I don’t want to frighten her, nor have everyone else involved. However I know it works for some people and that’s awesome.

There is professional support and I naturally have to strongly encourage people to take this route at the very least. However I know it is difficult for several reasons no matter where you live. Because it’s hard to open up, the NHS mental health services are having their funding cut left right and centre and much more. Not to mention regardless of that it can be so hit and miss. I rarely had a good experience with them, however that’s not to say others don’t or won’t. It can be just what you need and there are many options available.

Last but not least charities and their helplines. I can only speak for Samaritans having used them in the past but there are many wonderful charities offering support to those who need it.

I hope everyone is doing well and found this post informative.

 

I disappeared as always

Hi readers

I’m so sorry I disappeared yet again, I try so hard not to but life just gets in the way and I always seem to blog when I’m not feeling so good. It’s great to express myself but I don’t like to disappear to be honest. Well that’s if anyone is still interested in following me and my journey. I’m intending on continuing to write about my life and mental health. I am also hoping to start vlogging on Youtube about mental health. If I did, what would you like to see on there? I’ve already made some introductory videos about me. One of which is already uploaded. -Link here-

I now work as a part time teaching assistant at a nearby school. I’m really loving my job, even when I do have the occasional paranoid thought about it. But it’s not very often thank goodness.

I’ve also moved out of my old house, spent four months at my sister’s house and now finally live in my new house with my Mum. The decorating is well under way too after all the inital work was completed. The house looks so different already with only two rooms and the bathroom having small glimpses of what the house looked like when it was brought. Ha!

I finally ticked off one of my bucket list at long last year and actually met Leona Lewis. Such an awesome experience and can’t wait to meet her again someday hopefully. I also got to meet a very well known Bun on the same day and we had fun sharing the waiting together. Leona has also since been on tour again too.

I will finally be going to New York this year! I am so excited I can’t wait…

I hope all is well and I shall be back to update you again soon.